Loving the Returning Warrior, which can be anybody some days...
All About You: Your Love Life
The Art of Kissing, interview of Cherie Byrd, MA
By Allison Perkins
When you kiss your spouse, do you peck them on the cheek? Twist tongues? Exchange spit? Press your lips against each others’ until it feels done?
If that’s all you think kissing is, then you may be doing it all wrong.
Cherie Byrd, psychotherapist and instructor at the Kissing School in Seattle, says kissing is so much more than just moving your mouth. Kissing should be a way two people connect with their souls, their hearts and their bodies. Kissing isn’t a duty — it’s a gift.
“One of the fundamental things that needs to happen in a relationship is that each person needs to know how to connect with themselves,” Byrd says. “If you’re not in touch with your own self, you can’t get intimate with someone else, because there's no one "home". It’s this whole practice of feeling at home in your own body, breathing, feeling, and using your inner energy. We need to cultivate our own presence."
“Old cultures have ways of teaching what sexual energy is and how it empowers you,” she says. “We don’t have that in this culture. We need to start with something basic that we do every day. Usually, that’s kissing.”
People travel from all over the world to attend Byrd’s one-day class, which costs $375 per couple. More information about the classes can be found at http://www.kissingschool.com/, or pick up Byrd’s new release: “Kissing School! Seven Lessons on Love, Lips and Life Force.”
During the sessions, Byrd says she uses kissing as a way to teach people to open their own heart and to offer it to their lover. Besides kissing techniques she uses breathing, eye-gazing and learning how to touch each other’s souls through massage.
“You can drink that love right up while your partner is working on your feet,” she says.
Too often, Byrd says, people want a formula for kissing and lovemaking, to know they’re doing it right or long enough. But there is no such standard.
“This is the experience of sharing emotions through the body. Somebody is receiving something; somebody is offering something,” Byrd says. “There is a dance of energy in the kiss. It’s all about feeling your beloved loving you.”
If you can’t make it to Seattle, Byrd has some suggestions for couples trying to reconnect on their own, especially those who are reuniting after lengthy overseas deployments.
After a long deployment, let your kiss welcome him home As soon as you see him emerge from the plane, look him in the eye. “Men, particularly warriors of any kind, really respond to the emotions of their beloved, even more than their own emotions,” Byrd says. “The beauty they see radiating from their woman is not physical beauty, it’s inner beauty. It’s the energy of who they are. “Even if you can’t be heard for all the cheering and crying, you can always send your love into their eyes and hearts.” Women need to have the courage to open their heart and embrace their husbands, no matter how many walls he’s built at the moment or how much he has changed. “You need to look him in his eyes and really see who’s in there,” Byrd says. “Send your energy in there.”
She said women should not be surprised to learn that their husbands return not feeling like the same person who left a year earlier. Byrd says women need to unconditionally accept who their husbands are in that moment. "For you to allow yourself to be tender enough to merge into their arms in that moment, it’s like giving somebody in the desert water,” she says. “You’re not asking them to be anything other than who they are in that moment, and that really is nurturing.” Once at home, it’s important to re-knit him back into the family in small ways that show you appreciate him.
“The whole practice of appreciating them is a huge nurturing step to take,” Byrd says. “It’s the small appreciations: You can thank him for driving that night, or it might be something as simple as telling him you don’t remember his eyes being that blue. “You’re telling him you see him, and you appreciate him.”
How touch can help a returning warrior feel safe and appreciated
Byrd stresses that after being apart for long periods, a couple has to learn to re-create a sense of safety with each other. “The threads of energy between you are not so strong any more, and you really are learning how to nurture each other and need each other in a tender way,” Byrd says. “Kissing can be the practice that helps you get there.”
Overcoming a feeling of vulnerability can be one of the most difficult challenges for soldiers returning from war, Byrd says. Wives can help their husbands melt down those walls, she says, by nurturing them through touch and massage. And there is no quick fix to regaining a sense of stability. As the walls dissipate, and he realizes he’s still OK, Byrd says little by little, he will regain a sense of calmness and security.
“Nurturing is a primary sense of safety. They need a sense of connection again,” she says.
Kissing can help you get there. Byrd says before you even begin kissing, couples should connect through the foreplay of kissing. “We think of kissing as foreplay, but the foreplay to kissing is making a connection with yourself and your partner. You can be in a bubble bath or just letting your skin touch each other. It’s a very powerful way of getting connected.”
The Art of Kissing, interview of Cherie Byrd, MA
By Allison Perkins
When you kiss your spouse, do you peck them on the cheek? Twist tongues? Exchange spit? Press your lips against each others’ until it feels done?
If that’s all you think kissing is, then you may be doing it all wrong.
Cherie Byrd, psychotherapist and instructor at the Kissing School in Seattle, says kissing is so much more than just moving your mouth. Kissing should be a way two people connect with their souls, their hearts and their bodies. Kissing isn’t a duty — it’s a gift.
“One of the fundamental things that needs to happen in a relationship is that each person needs to know how to connect with themselves,” Byrd says. “If you’re not in touch with your own self, you can’t get intimate with someone else, because there's no one "home". It’s this whole practice of feeling at home in your own body, breathing, feeling, and using your inner energy. We need to cultivate our own presence."
“Old cultures have ways of teaching what sexual energy is and how it empowers you,” she says. “We don’t have that in this culture. We need to start with something basic that we do every day. Usually, that’s kissing.”
People travel from all over the world to attend Byrd’s one-day class, which costs $375 per couple. More information about the classes can be found at http://www.kissingschool.com/, or pick up Byrd’s new release: “Kissing School! Seven Lessons on Love, Lips and Life Force.”
During the sessions, Byrd says she uses kissing as a way to teach people to open their own heart and to offer it to their lover. Besides kissing techniques she uses breathing, eye-gazing and learning how to touch each other’s souls through massage.
“You can drink that love right up while your partner is working on your feet,” she says.
Too often, Byrd says, people want a formula for kissing and lovemaking, to know they’re doing it right or long enough. But there is no such standard.
“This is the experience of sharing emotions through the body. Somebody is receiving something; somebody is offering something,” Byrd says. “There is a dance of energy in the kiss. It’s all about feeling your beloved loving you.”
If you can’t make it to Seattle, Byrd has some suggestions for couples trying to reconnect on their own, especially those who are reuniting after lengthy overseas deployments.
After a long deployment, let your kiss welcome him home As soon as you see him emerge from the plane, look him in the eye. “Men, particularly warriors of any kind, really respond to the emotions of their beloved, even more than their own emotions,” Byrd says. “The beauty they see radiating from their woman is not physical beauty, it’s inner beauty. It’s the energy of who they are. “Even if you can’t be heard for all the cheering and crying, you can always send your love into their eyes and hearts.” Women need to have the courage to open their heart and embrace their husbands, no matter how many walls he’s built at the moment or how much he has changed. “You need to look him in his eyes and really see who’s in there,” Byrd says. “Send your energy in there.”
She said women should not be surprised to learn that their husbands return not feeling like the same person who left a year earlier. Byrd says women need to unconditionally accept who their husbands are in that moment. "For you to allow yourself to be tender enough to merge into their arms in that moment, it’s like giving somebody in the desert water,” she says. “You’re not asking them to be anything other than who they are in that moment, and that really is nurturing.” Once at home, it’s important to re-knit him back into the family in small ways that show you appreciate him.
“The whole practice of appreciating them is a huge nurturing step to take,” Byrd says. “It’s the small appreciations: You can thank him for driving that night, or it might be something as simple as telling him you don’t remember his eyes being that blue. “You’re telling him you see him, and you appreciate him.”
How touch can help a returning warrior feel safe and appreciated
Byrd stresses that after being apart for long periods, a couple has to learn to re-create a sense of safety with each other. “The threads of energy between you are not so strong any more, and you really are learning how to nurture each other and need each other in a tender way,” Byrd says. “Kissing can be the practice that helps you get there.”
Overcoming a feeling of vulnerability can be one of the most difficult challenges for soldiers returning from war, Byrd says. Wives can help their husbands melt down those walls, she says, by nurturing them through touch and massage. And there is no quick fix to regaining a sense of stability. As the walls dissipate, and he realizes he’s still OK, Byrd says little by little, he will regain a sense of calmness and security.
“Nurturing is a primary sense of safety. They need a sense of connection again,” she says.
Kissing can help you get there. Byrd says before you even begin kissing, couples should connect through the foreplay of kissing. “We think of kissing as foreplay, but the foreplay to kissing is making a connection with yourself and your partner. You can be in a bubble bath or just letting your skin touch each other. It’s a very powerful way of getting connected.”
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